A Humourous Easter
by St Elmo's Fire
Summary: Émilie is so glad she's found a real doctor, one who won't poison her precious pokemon with autism-causing vaccines, just in time for Easter.


The bell jingled above the door of Dr. Ames' Alternative Medicine, the premier health emporium on Route 6. A tall, pale woman in a cheerfully bright sundress stepped through into the lobby, and released her pokemon to follow behind. Her furfrou sniffed idly at the surrounding furniture, several bows tied in her elegantly coiffured fur and a cap of cinccino fur over her ears; her espurr walked beside her, maintaining a careful distance; and her plusle lumbered forward inelegantly, pausing occasionally to scratch at the tiny, brightly-colored sweater pulled over her body.

"Hello!" the receptionist called sweetly. "How may I help you?"

"Émilie Rose," the woman introduced. "I called ahead, but I lost track of time! The Easter egg hunt is just around the corner, and I need to make sure my babies are in perfect health. I don't want them getting diseases from those…" She shuddered. "…_vaccinated _pokemon!" She leaned forward with conspiratorial horror. "Can you believe, they said I had to get these darlings vaccinated to renew my trainer license! It ought to be illegal!"

"Oh, yes," the receptionist said seriously. "Don't worry, mademoiselle, your right to your pokemons' bodily autonomy is absolute. If they try to force those vaccines on you, you can take them to court!"

Émilie nodded determinedly. "I may just do that."

The receptionist smiled again and glanced down at the check-in book. "Well, Mlle. Rose, we do take walk-ins! Dr. Ames is finishing up with another patient right now, but she'll be with you in just a moment!"

They sat in the waiting room. Émilie checked her watch, and called to her furfrou, "Don't scratch at your bows, Snookums! They need to be just right for Easter mass!" Her plusle jumped on a nearby chair, and began idly nibbling at the sweater she wore.

After a few minutes, the door to the doctor's office swung open. A young, dark-haired woman in trainer gear stepped out, a bag in her hand and a magnemite hovering beside her. "Remember," a sharp Unovan-accented voice called from within, "three reds to one blue, once daily! Come back in a week and we'll check in!" A head popped out of the door, belonging to a blonde thirtysomething woman with a bright smile. "Émilie Rose?"

"That's me!" Émilie said, hopping up immediately. "Come along, everyone!"

Trainer and pokemon trundled into the office, and Dr. Ames closed the door politely behind them. Émilie shook the doctor's hand vigorously, beaming. "Oh, I am so glad there's some _real _medicine here!" she said. "I can barely go to pokemon centers anymore – the concoctions they're trying to push! It's all _vaccines _nowadays. I can't let them do that to my poor pokemon! What if Princess here got _autism?_" She reached down to pat the espurr's head, but she flinched away after a second of contact, fur bristling.

"Well, you've come to the right place!" Ames said, lighting up. "I have revived methods that have worked for _millennia _– practiced by the ancients themselves! If you can just give me the date of capture for these pokemon"–she handed Émilie a form–"My assistant will cross-reference it with their date of birth, and use the ancient art of astrology to divine the correct prescription. It works for any pokemon!"

"Oh, that sounds exciting!" Émilie handed the filled form back to Dr. Ames, who passed it to an audino.

"Audino!" Ames said with a flourish. "Take these patients into the examination room." She turned back to Émilie as the pokemon were led through, beaming. "She'll have our results in just a minute!"

**/**

{Hi there, I'm Over the Heart! You can just call me Over,} the audino said. The patients cast their eyes around the examination room, stopping to gaze quizzically at the sableye perched on the back shelf, lapping from a dish placed under a spout connected to a large water tank. Strapped to the tank's side was a recording device playing pleasant affirmations on loop: "Health is a state of mind," "Love is the most powerful force in the universe," "I bring a positive attitude to work every day."

Over flipped a notebook disinterestedly and clicked a pen with her feeler. {So we have aguav, figy, iapapa, mago, and wiki flavors. Which one do you want?}

{Wiki!} Chomp-chomp barked, her colorful bows bouncing as her fur trembled with excitement.

{Mago,} Spawncamper said, her huge eyes transfixed by the massive star chart on the far wall.

{Figy,} Mayo said, and scratched at her sweater again.

**/**

Émilie gasped appreciatively. "Oh, do tell me how it works!"

"With pleasure!" Dr. Ames passed her a pamphlet. "First, we combine the two most important dates in a pokemon's life: the day they were captured, and the day they were born. Getting the precise dates is vital to knowing exactly what they need for their health."

**/**

Over the Heart looked between the patients' forms and the star chart, humming to herself. {Captured in autumn… then, for figy flavor, we'll put you down as a summer birth…}

{Um, I was born in the winter,} Mayo said.

Over's feeler gave a don't-worry-about-it sort of wave.

**/**

"You see," Ames continued, "the ancients discovered that the function of the body is linked to four essential humours, or bodily fluids: blood, phlegm, bile, and black bile. I of course don't mean literally blood and phlegm, of course!" She and Émilie shared a laugh. "When these humours are in perfect harmony, the subject is impervious to all ills! Disease only occurs when these elements fall out of balance." She frowned. "And that's all too common these days, with all the processed – hah, I can hardly call it 'food'! – they push on us. Your diet controls what humours you produce, you see." The doctor brightened again, and tapped a poster on the wall behind her. "However, my homeopathic crystals are proven to return a pokemon's balance to its natural state! By feeding sableye special materials, they refine the medicine into crystals that control one of the four humours. By feeding these crystals to your pokemon, we can restore the balance, and cure them of all that ails them!"

**/**

After a few seconds, Over the Heart looked up again with a chime of, {Okay!} She turned to the sableye and called, {Safe Space, gimme some sugar!}

Safe Space jumped onto the examination table, and horked up a pile of multicolored crystals. Over sorted through them, deftly extracting the orange, purple, and pink crystals before placing them in separate bottles. {Thank you, Safe Space, that's all I need!} Safe Space swallowed the rest, and leapt back to her perch.

Over continued humming to herself as she placed the bottles on the counter and began filling out another form.

{Hold on,} Chomp-chomp said, {are you just giving us medicine based on what flavors we like? That doesn't sound right! Are we doing this properly?}

**/**

Ames grew serious. "So it's very important you don't mix up your pokemons' prescriptions, no matter what! The influence of their astrological signs on their essential humours is enormous. The perfect treatment for one pokemon could sicken another."

**/**

Safe Space looked up long enough to say, {Kid, it's just rock candy,} before returning to her feast of sugar water.

{But we don't want candy!} Chomp-chomp whined. {We need to be strong and healthy for the egg hunt!}

{Speak for yourself,} Spawncamper said, eyeing the candy bottles hungrily.

{Yeah, eat your candy, Chomp-chomp,} Mayo said.

Chomp-chomp huffed. {You're so greedy! Is everything about food to you, Mayo?}

Spawncamper cackled. {I can't wait to see you get your head stuck in one of these bottles.}

**/**

"This is such a relief," Émilie said with feeling. "I'm so glad there are _real _doctors like you in Kalos and not those Big Pharma quacks pushing vaccinations!"

Dr. Ames cringed in sympathy. "It's criminal, truly criminal. Do you know they put _mercury _in that stuff?"

"I've heard that!" Émilie said, clutching a hand to her breast. "Is it really true?"

Dr. Ames nodded darkly. "It's poison, mademoiselle, it's all poison. They think we're all stupid, that because they use fancy words we don't know what it means. Natural medicine, that's the only thing you can trust!"

**/**

{Now,} Over said, turning back to them, {are you all up-to-date with your vaccinations?}

{I got mine before I was traded to her,} Spawncamper said. {That was six months ago, am I still good?}

{Mine are, uh, six or seven years old now,} Mayo said, sounding anxious. {Before she started getting all her news off the internet. I've actually been a bit worried about that egg hunt, especially since her friends are going. They don't vaccinate their pokemon either!}

Chomp-chomp said, {I've never had any. Are you sure they're safe?}

Over patted the furfrou gently with her feelers. {A long time ago, there weren't vaccines, and people got sick all the time. There were all sorts of diseases you barely hear about anymore. Rabid pokemon used to be everywhere. I can't even imagine which was worse – when they were in a wild frenzy, or later, when they were barely able to move in agony as the virus finished them off.}

Chomp-chomp whimpered in fear, but Over smiled reassuringly. {But then! People started to notice that miltank were safe from rabies. There was a similar but less deadly disease: they would froth and be sick for several weeks, but then they would recover without any ill effects, and if there were other pokemon in the miltank herd, they'd get that disease and be safe from rabies too. Soon, they'd figured out that if you took the infected spittle and aged it, it would still give the immunity without the weeks of sickness.} She tapped her chest. {If it got too cold, the virus would die completely and it wouldn't work, so they wore it in a shell necklace over their heart.}

Behind her, Safe Space vomited up a pile of bottles and needles.

**/**

The door opened with a _ding _as the pokemon returned. Over the Heart handed the prescription bottles and completed forms to Dr. Ames, who scrutinized them carefully before smiling. "Ah, your furfrou's a double Aries! Haven't seen one of those in a while." She passed the bottles into Émilie's waiting hands. "Feed them as prescribed for a week, then come back for a checkup. Happy egg hunting!"

Émilie smiled, leaning down to pinch Chomp-chomp's cheeks. "I'm so glad we found this place," she said. "It's so good to know you're all in capable hands."

{Is this really okay? Isn't it a scam?} Chomp-chomp said.

{Well, it's legal,} Over replied.

Mayo poked Chomp-chomp playfully. {Hey, nobody got hurt. Except for the needles, and that worked out well for us!}

Spawncamper added, {Yeah, it's not like the doctor's to blame for anyone's death,} as they headed out the door.

{Well, not in this country,} Over said brightly. {And that was a human, anyway.}

{Wait, what?} they managed as the door closed.


End file.
